Scottish Elections 20201: Alex Salmond vs George Galloway in spandex-clad WWE smackdown is my kind of leaders debate – Susan Morrison

Krishnan Guru-Murthy was standing in a dusty warehouse. Some folk were standing at podiums.

I thought it was a quiz show, like Weakest Link or 15-to-1. Couldn’t figure out how they got the points. Then I realised. It was the Channel 4 Scottish elections leaders debate.

It's always the same five parties, although well done to Labour and Conservatives on their Revolving Door approach to party leadership in recent months. Ms Sturgeon would occasionally side-glance across with a mildly baffled “who’s this?” look on her face.

The talking points are always the same. We can pretty much lip sync their answers, although Douglas Ross did a boo-boo about same-sex marriage. Bet Ruth Davidson will be wanting a word.

It's time to have a tiny party debate. I’m sure George Galloway would throw that hat of his into the ring. In fact, why bother with a debate. Let's make it a WWE-style smackdown with Alex Salmond. Oh. Now I’ve got an image in my head of Big Eck in spandex. And so do you. Sorry.

Let's give little parties a moment in the sun. Let’s invite the Scottish Family Party. They might sound like one of those K-Tel compilation LPs, just great for a dance-till-dawn Hogmanay, but don’t be fooled, this lot are less rock ‘n’ roll, more Now That’s What I Call Presbyterian.

They are keen on the family, as the name suggests, but they are not keen on teaching people how to make them. They don’t want children exposed to those pesky sex education classes.

Rather than a wee party leaders debate, how about a WWF-style smackdown between Alex Salmond, above, and George Galloway, says Susan Morrison (Picture: Lisa Ferguson)

However, they also want Scotland's population to rise. Scots, it seems, are laying down on the job. Or not, depending on how you look at it. I always figure if you teach people to do something properly, they get better at it.

The SFP seems to be looking for wholesome sex ed classes, perhaps sponsored by the People’s Friend. The modern ones, they say in their leaflet, are vulgar and corrupting.

Rather disappointingly, they don’t say where these classes are held, which is a shame – right now I’d sign up for a bit of vulgar corruption.

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